Navigating my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership which continued for four years, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire a partner to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle different types of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet a person who provides a life-changing chance to you by reflecting your desires completely … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over the future and playing endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.
